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"Simply Breathtaking."

A Review by alienmastermind
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My next review will have a Ninja Squad comic, and some pretty pictures with captions, I promise. It's just that I had to get this off my chest as soon as I could. -- AM

I'd like to take the time to come clean with you fine readers. In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you guys and girls know that I didn't play Two Worlds for more than an hour or so. But, let me assure you, that in my own brief hour with this piece of excre-tainment I learned much about the souls of monsters. Particularly the monsters behind this piece of offal. So, no, I didn't play through the entire game, or try the online portion of this. It would be like asking me if I ate the whole bowl of soup after finding a finger in it.

There's really no need after a certain point, dig me? So, here's my theory on this so-called video game:

How else would you explain the graphics? The voice acting? The story? The movements of your 'character'?

Let's get right down to it. This game is terrible as a game, and should be avoided by people with eyes, ears, and hands. It would be useful as a possible torture device, but then, it would thwart the creators' intentions by being something usable by humans for any useful function.

I picked this up as part of my 'try it before you buy it' philosophy on the recommendation of a friend, and I returned this thing an hour after putting it into my 360. I feel dirty, and my 360 keeps giving me these forlorn looks like a dog who accidentally ate something out of the litter box. Two Worlds should be avoided by people with access to better fare, or with prefrontal lobes in their brains. By better fare, I mean a virus that turns your 360 into a brick, or a mule that will kick you in your groin as hard as it can for an hour.

Let's talk story, here, shall we? I gave this thing a shot, and apparently, Two Worlds is about humans and orcs battlin' it out over an orcish corpse that has tainted the land with something called -- GASP! -- Taint. Oh, for the taut and gripping writing of the expanded cutscenes in 'Incredible Hulk'! Voice acting, in this, seems to be whatever bewildered quality tester they could get into the booth to read these hackneyed and puerile lines. The story unfolds in a slow, plodding manner, and finally, you're allowed to make up your very own character, using a fully customizable facial and body creator!

This is not as good as you might think.

Imagine you're tasked with making a lumpy, unattractive mess into a differently shaped lumpy, unattractive mess. Add a moustache, and this is Two Worlds' character 'creator'. It, and the rest of the game were a blight upon mankind, and the character creator's biggest slap to your face and eyes comes when the game itself won't even have the decency to take your oddly shaped, abomination of a bemoustached hero and insert him into the choppy incoherent cutscenes!! Joke's on you, consumer!

The real sticking point for me was this 'game's' price tag of $70.00 US. or thereabouts. The creators of this game must think we're insane. Or, they're trying to sink the market with this travesty, like E.T. killed video games in the 80s.

Seventy dollars? Wow. That's a stretch, even for TWO worlds filled with this godawful scat.

It was vile, the movement of your character was stiff and uninteresting, and nothing in the game would prod you to play beyond the broken mechanics of the first mission or your first death. Oh, did I mention it has a frigging locked door/ key puzzle in the first dungeon where NO KEY FRIGGING EXISTS? The dungeon, also, is just one big room filled to the brim with nothing and four or five goblins that you dispatch like Ed Grimley doing his triangle routine.

This game is putrid, and worth avoiding. I apologize to the creators, who seriously need some lessons in coherent storytelling, and possibly months of psychological therapy.

Do not get this game. If you already have this game, give it to someone you'd like to see miserable, and watch them try to make up a normal looking person in the Character Creator until they fall to the floor weeping.

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